Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How to tell if your auto driver is smashed.

Tuesday, 17th August, 2010. .

On today's rainy pathetic evening, I hop off a ride in the middle of where no auto man cares for me. After being ignored for 20 minutes by everyone except the rain, I gratefully get into an auto that nearly runs me over. I should have recognised that first sign.

So begin my adventures with the Auto Man:
  • He tells you he doesn't know where to go, from go. (I ignore this because many auto men have a similar life issue.)
  • He asks you for directions by doing a 180 degree turn towards you.
  • He asks you these directions every 0.5 minutes. 
  • Every time he asks you, you smell something and it's not just bad breath.
  • When he asks, he assures you it's because "hum to Bandra waale hain, in galiyon mein nahin ghoom te". He repeats this more than 4 times. Twice continuously.
  • You can't go a distance of 20 metres without squealing 'bhaiyaaa dheere, aaram se". His lack of focus gets these outbursts more and more desperate, "Bhaiya main abhi jawan hoon, mujhe jeena hain."
  • After an impossible battle of getting him to the highway in the blinding rain, he tells you, "Gaadi main chala rahan hoon. CHUP".
  • He likes revving up. Except, it caters to only sound energy and generates none of the kinetic type.
  • He asks you to hold on to the left rain curtain and not let go.
  • He asks if he should turn right while ON the flyover.
  • While on "his territory" of the Bandra flyover, he's still asking you for directions, again ON the flyover.
  • He asks you to hold on the left rain curtain and screams "batwa* ko mat jaane dena". (?!?!)
  • People talking on the road is a fascination for him. You can tell because he slows down on seeing them, revs up to flash his involvement and then stares.
  • People not in a conversation, could be damned for all he cares. He flutters his eyelids in a bid to ignore them and drives into them.
  • He enjoys a passion for drags. His speciality is buses and a certain cycle delivery man from Santosh Lunch Home. His strength is coordinating with both at once.
  • The cycle delivery man from Santosh Lunch Home turns out to be more than a drag buddy. Auto Man lets him go faster, revs up next to him and then lets him go faster while he stares. This fun game lasts 15 minutes. As an added game point, the delivery man doesn't actually know about his involvement. .
  • He takes 20 seconds to figure his way over a road hump but speeds towards a divider till the last 1/20th second when you scream from behind.Calculate 20 whole seconds over a hump!
  • You tell him to keep going straight and he doesn't believe you. He stops at every right turn and asks if he should take it.
  • When there is no road divider, he rides where there could have been one. Vehicles from both sides almost crash into him, but he is above all that.
  • When you tell him to stop, umm he can't.
  • When you ask him to show the metre reading, he leaps out of the auto and holds on to the left rain curtain. For his life, I think.
  • At this point your nose and his breath become one. Yea, he's drunk.
  • He counts out the change while doing a little math dance with his index and holding onto the curtain.
  • He comes out of the auto AGAIN, to ask if the change is okay.
At this point you leave. 

In an ideal situation, if you see even 5 of these signs - get off your auto and run. Unless like me, you don't have a choice because you never bought a new umbrella since your previous was stolen and he's your only light to the dry side.



  1. If you could see, you'd really see me ROTFL-ingMAO!! I vote thrice!!

  2. Fascinating post. And all this happened in the span of just one auto ride I'm assuming? :D

    I'm planning to set up a blog pertaining to auto and taxi commute in the city sometime. Would love to feature this there :)

  3. That's cool! Don't forget to send me the link.And yes, one auto ride with a very drunk man can be very exciting.

  4. This is hilarious stuff!Had me sitting alongwith you in the auto for the entire ride.5*****(

  5. This is really funny .. Very well written . Keep it up !!

  6. Hahahaha - Bhaiya main abhi jawan hoon, mujhe jeena hain....were you drunk too??? should have taken an OTS shot of him from phone camera...