Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Don't you hate hospitals?

My recent deposition at a very catholic hospital has made me think up a new I-hate list. In fact it has infuriated me enough to start a blog. My version of Alfred E. Neuman's "Don't you hate"lists. Except this one's specific to hospitals.
  • I hate how at every point of my stay i was made to feel unwell and handicapped.What with all this talk about being 'handicapable' - I was forced to pee in a bed pan even when I felt quite capable of walking across to the bathroom. Except the floor had no bathrooms because "usually no patient wants to go to the bathroom themselves," the nurse scolds. "It is the ICU madam, you must rest completely," says the head nurse. Does that mean I must be made bedridden? Because dude that's what you and your bunch of sisters constantly drilled into me and my visitors.
  • I hate nurses who scream at you for spilling. It's your job bitch and I'm sick, remember?
  • I hate moronic nurses who cringe at the sight of blood. It's my blood woman and I'm the one in pain. WTF are you doing in the ICU if you can't stop my blood from spurting all over the room - instead I'm received with a dumbfounded expression and a run to a senior nurse for help.
  • I hate 'sisters' who tell you they'll change your blood stained clothes but then stop at the corridors for some native chit-chat. Awww! No, I cannot understand why you must talk about her cousins affair just when I have blood dripping down my hospital nightie.
  • I hate nurses. Period. Firstly, why why why why why WHY do I have to call you sister? You with your annoying pout and humanitarian pledge to fame are no sister of mine. If you're so cross about helping me maybe you should go become a bar dancer. And no, your idle talk about how old I am isn't helping me get over that injection. The entire breed of sedated expressionless won't-give-you-a-straight-answer sisters. Hate them.
  • I hate ICU wards that don't have bells for emergencies. Why the hell am I here if I can't contact you when I need you urgently, like when the drips you've injected me with have fallen off and my blood is gushing out instead OR when that stupid lazy sister who gave me a bed pan to pee forgot I don't take 21 minutes to pee especially since I'm not trying to crack a world record for the longest pee ever.
  • I hate how you ask my parents to come down and then don't allow me to meet them. I'm trying to recover here. I need my Mommy. Especially when you made her fly 700 miles and then locked her out because 'visiting hours' were over. Dude, I'm the customer here and I say I want my Mommy right here, next to me. Telling me I'll be fine. Not in some ghastly visiting room, assigned to 'bed number 1' on which she must lie until you say it's okay for her to meet me. Do you hear me, sister?
  • I hate how someone is nice enough to send me flowers and not only do they not let me see it but they also send it away to a church!!!
  • I hate how you eject me from the ICU only to send me to a ward that is competing with a railway station in hygiene. 'A.C rooms available tomorrow' The only other choice? I must stay on in the lonely ICU ward at the mercy of a certain native tribe of sorority sisters. No thank you sisters, I'd rather roll in grime.
  • And lastly, I hate doctors who can't take a decision. Ah, what would a hospital be without hierarchy? Hi Sister, I am having a relapse. Oh wait! I must ask head nurse. Head nurse walks in leisurely. Oh wait! I must ask doctor. Doctor: Oh wait! I must ask resident doctor. Resident doctor: Oh wait! I must ask the OPD. OPD: Sorry! This decision can only be taken tomorrow morning when the consultant specialist comes at 11am.


  1. How are you now? I had NO idea you were in hospital! Just got to know yesterday. And I know exactly how you feel about nurses and blood. Same thing happened to me when the IV popped out - why the fuck do they freak out so much?!
    Get well soon! Will meet you at the soonest possible!

  2. What a predicament!Being from the medical fraternity,I can understand the Resident Doctor’s hesitation.He was probably too s**t scared and also feared that he may end up being posted to the morgue! BTW, a hilarious post full of black humour.Keep it up!

  3. Poor you... my sympathies... I've had a similar IV experience, so I guess they do it all the time. Hope you're out of there.